I borrowed “The Last Lecture” from a friend who wants it back…so here I’m posting a few of my favorite quotes which will be food for thought later.

Fakes: occur when people don’t realize they are learning until well into the process.

“But I was hugely impressed. Kirk, I mean, Shatner, was the ultimate example of a man who knew what he didn’t know, was perfectly willing to admit it, and didn’t want to leave until he understood.”

“…the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

ENABLE THE DREAMS OF OTHERS.

“Too many people go through life complaining about their problems.. I’ve always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out.”

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”

Right at this moment, I’m in love with two songs-’In your eyes’ done by Sara Bareilles and Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. I don’t know why…well, maybe I do. ‘In your eyes’ is about hope. The hope that comes only from knowing you have given it all. She sings about finding that, in someone’s eyes, you can get lost. You can find yourself. Time moves so slowly as more and more of your soul gets pulled in. And after that first look, it’s done. You are forever trapped in those irises. You leave all the noise, all your pride, and reach for that light, that heat. Those eyes hold all the answers to the questions you’ve been searching for. Those eyes are the windows to the soul that matches yours. The speaker sings about not liking to see all the pain, see so much wasted. And that’s how I feel right now. I see that I cause pain, that there is love wasted, and not returned and people upset. And the worst part is that I can’t do anything, because I can’t relate. Any feelings I have, anything that makes me feel complete, I am not finding in the right places, if at all. Wouldn’t it be nice if all the puzzle pieces could fit together? And yes, I know that day will come but as Sara sings….I get so lost sometimes. Not only in a person’s eyes, but in that search for something I have yet to find.

(Sorry if all this is just rambling…I’m writing this as these songs are playing)

Listen to Jai Ho please! It is an amazing song….

there is hope in life. and after hope, there is suspense….you’re working really hard for something and now all you can do is wait for the response. when things have worked, there is happiness. this song is about all the happiness, is about living in the moment and shaking it till there’s no tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what the problems were, they are all gone now. In this movie, it took these two childhood friends years to be together. This song tells me that life is what it is. It’s life. and we live it. To the best we can. And soemtimes, we fight. Sometimes, we get tempted. Sometimes, we get inspired. Sometimes, we think we’ve found what we’ve been looking for and we’re wrong. But every once in a while, the best thing that could have happened-well, it happens. And then there is nothing more to do but celebrate. Embrace the energy and the change and everything that makes up this weird thing called life. Maybe we all don’t have what we really want right now, but we all have things that we are glad we have. and those are the things to be thankful for…the appreciation and love of friends, the sunshine, the occasional smile from a stranger…

You know, it’s possible that that one look, that one smile, could be the start of a lot of hope.

wow. typing feels amazing…good, yet unfamiliar. i’ve been away for too long. for all my readers, the few and far between, this is going to be a pretty personal entry because i feel as if i have a lot to get off of my chest tonight.

the weather’s turning more blistery. snow is falling in spurts, sometimes it seems as though buckets and buckets of powdery fluff is being poured from heaven onto gray erie in an attempt to transform it into a glittering wonderland. as all this change is happening and a new year approaches, i can’t help but reflect on where my life has taken me in this past year. last year at this time, i think i was more crazy, more frenzied, rushing about and not taking the time to breathe. this year, i feel grounded, ready to leap and soar, but always pausing to watch my tracks disappear with each falling flake.

that’s a new me. i’ve never really experienced this self before. i am very much more reflective and appreciative and full of wonder. i’ve always asked myself about the ‘what if’s’ but i’ve never really considered them before now. i feel as if i have a clean heart and a fresh mind, and am ready to start into something new. but what? maybe i am starting to feel the pressure a little because i am a junior now…and the next time i schedule, i’ll be picking the classes that will fill my senior year of college. how crazy is that? its pretty much unbelievable. i had a conversation with a past professor of mine today, about what i should do with my life after college. i always new it would be a big decision, but i never knew just how big, or when i would really know what i wanted to do. it’s safe to say i have no idea, but i also have plenty of time to decide that. i’m hoping something sparks (if you have any ideas, feel free).

oh, and im ready to be with someone that makes me smile all the time. i read that phrase on a bumper sticker and it certainly fits. i mean, i am not desperately looking for someone, but in my new state of mind, i feel soooo much more grounded than i ever have been. i see this most from my sister. she has been with this one boy for a while now, and everyone can see that they are destined to be together. sometimes i think i know who destiny has picked out for me, and other times i sadly realize that i have no idea. i just hope that person comes into my life soon. i wasn’t ready for someone until now, but i feel that now i can take on the added responsibility and can really and truly open my heart up. i’ve finally healed. i can tell that i have because i feel more mature and more grounded. i am still as optomistic as ever, but at the same time, i feel weathered, as though i have seen what life can do (at least somewhat) and am prepared to FINALLY be open to who i am as a person…to someone else. opening up, truly, has always been so hard for me. i can be open about everything, other than what is truly in my heart. but now…if the right person has come along, i know that i could be there. 100%…in a stay up late to confort you, help you study, know your friends, eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite team, constantly texting you kind of way. i have to admit, i’m kinda proud of myself. and you know what, if someone doesn’t come along for a few years, i guess that was meant to be. but i do know that this time, i am ready, that i will be ready. this past year i wasn’t, hence the ’single’ status now. but…if fate puts someone in my life now, i would come running to answer the door.

i’m proud of myself. i think i’ve come a long way from the bouncing all over the place, hiding true feelings girl to a mature adult, one with thoughts and dreams and aspirations…who knows what love feels like, but is ready for a deep love, one that doesn’t die and doesn’t ever fade, no matter what the circumstances.

oh and on a completely different note, i am the undergraduate judge for the Totem this year…so apparently i have definitely developed from where i was last year…this journey just keeps on going

Come November, push is finally going to come to shove here in America. People are going to have to make decisions about which candidate will be the best person to run the United States of America, the world’s economic superpower…(well, that’s what I’ve always heard, but it may not be true). But, seriously, none of that really matters. It just doesn’t. There are real issues people need to figure out-and soon. Democrats and Republicans…who cares? We are all people living on one planet and we need to DSPs (designated smart persons…not my term, but I love it!) to help us figure out what the hell is going on. One of these issues is Iraq. Just mentioning that country puts a bad taste in my mouth…not because I have anything against the culture or the people, but because of the American view on things. Iraq is talked about way too much, but not in the sense it should be. The people are suffering from disease, lack of water and electricity, and just plain chaos. No one seems to realize all of the aspects of the war that affect the people. They are the ones that really suffer. And the worst part of it is is that Americans have spent so much money on this war and most Iraqis just want us to leave! Where did all of our money go? What is going on over there? We need solutions that are culturally sensitive and we need them right now. So many people just need to get over the politics of life and focus on the issues that really matter. Did you know that Iraq is the longest war we’ve been involved in in history? And over 100,000 people are already dead because of it. But at the same time, it is too nieve (sp?) to simply shout, “Stop the war!” We are in too deep now and it’s stupid to point fingers at countries/people. That’s not going to change anything. Obviously, we are going to be in Iraq for a long time. But let’s make the most of the time and money we have to spend and come up with solutions to our problems that will work.

all that said, i went to a lecture last night so that’s where all of this came from…

After a hard look in the mirror, and perhaps more than one cup of coffee, I finally maybe possibly realized something. You can’t judge your life by the people you put in it. Your life is 100% yours. Granted, we all make mistakes….but they happen for a reason. If someone in your life is happy, great. You don’t have to be. And if someone is sad, it isn’t specifically listed in your job description that you be the person to make their rainy day bright. And this whole relationship thing? Not worth it. Really and completely. I’m not in the right place right now. This year started off terribly…with me reaching so far back in the past it hurt. Of course that didn’t work. And that is okay. It’s not supposed to. That was a tough concept to grasp, and one that I guess after last night did not sink into my head yet…(sigh) The point of this whole post, for me is, you have to love yourself before anyone can love you. And that means creating your own opportunities and believing that at the end of the day, your life may not be as complete as it will be in the future, but for now it’s all good. It’s all good. Repeating it like a mantra may bring the concept to life. haha Sometimes I wonder if I am creating the right opportunities. Who knows? I know I can’t go around spending my life thinking about the what ifs. I’ve been moved past that stage for a while now and it’s most certainly too late to go back. So for now, I will keep writing and dreaming, playing and believing and know that someday, somehow I will keep remembering to look at the colors and forget all the grey.

Growing up occurs in stages. Throughout my life, I have tried to constantly change my perspective on the world and everything and everyone I encountered in it. For the past year though I feel like I didn’t really do a good job of moving away from my comfort zone. Why is this all coming out now? The most simple explaination is that I have moved into my very own grown up apartment. It is off-campus, which means that my roommates and I have had to make our own arrangements for our living. It means I live in a house with about 7 other people. It means I am not near campus and therefore feel as if I could be living anywhere. I love it, but I have to admit it’s scary. I feel extremely independent and…yes, grown up. I’m starting to realize that time for myself is lovely, not lonely. I am running every day, reading, and look at me now..I’m writing! I’ve also had the time to realize that I am ready. Last semester, I was too busy to be with anyone. I barely had the time for myself. But now…I’m not looking, but I’m ready. I feel like screaming I’m here! Pick me! I know that I wasn’t all there before, but here I am! Let me prove myself I like thunderstorms, but I’m afraid of the dark. I hate bugs, but I won’t kill them. I smile when I cry and I laugh at myself. I love school and I really can’t stay up late, even if I try. I’m not looking for anything but what I can get and I promise to be more appreciative then I have ever been before.Sigh. Someday…

Those are some of the books I’m reading in the next two weeks or so….so if you’ve read them, let me know you thought! And if there’s anything you want to discuss, of course I am completely open.

“Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don’t know why, I don’t know why

1-So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
‘Cause it’s the world I know
It’s the world I know”

Are we listening?
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see?
Love that’s gathering?

All the words that I’ve been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one, into one

-Collective Soul, ‘World I Know’

There is something about the glow of a person’s face when they are around someone or something they love. This ‘glow’ (for lack of a better word) is, I think, the closest we as human beings can come to understanding just how wonderful (again, lack of a better word) love is. The start of the summer always makes me think of love because so many things I love I only get to experience in the sweetness of summer. Some of my loves include thunderstorms, the smell of rain, sunsets, parks, milkshakes, stars, laying out, beach towels, sunglasses, dresses, flip flops, barefeet, painted toenails, and the sound of the ice cream truck as it rolls down my street. Summer for me is the ultimate expression of freedom. If freedom was contained in a single season, summer is that season. Independence Day is July 4th…but there is something about getting out of school or even work early and still have the sky be a brilliant blue.

As of this point in my life, i’m in love with many things and people. i love anything eco-friendly. i love the colors green, purple, and blue. i love the ocean, where i’ll be going for a week this summer. these things keep me strong and believing that someday, i’ll find someone who loves similar things. lately, I’ve been on a huge soulmate thing. I don’t know if that’s because of the books I’ve been reading, or the free time I have now that classes aren’t in session….but something about this season makes me want to experience it with someone i really care about. there’s absolutely nothing better than dancing in the rain

so, enough with all this mumbo-jumbo about me. (what is it with me and rhyming words….amorous/glamorous and mumbo/jumbo??) I am really looking to make two points with this post. The first? Being in love makes people glow. More so than any amount of money could ever do. That’s why it just pays to be happy….no matter what it takes for you to be happy, you should do it. Find a passion. Do what makes you feel alive.

The second point I’d like to make with this post is: Travel to a foreign country is sooo important. I am a huge believer in the power humans have to connect with each other. It is so pertinant to society that we make connections with other cultures and realize how unique and beautiful everyone is. The picture I chose to include in this post I found on National Geographic’s website. It was taken in Rome…a beautiful, romantic city. As I mentioned in the caption, whenever I see pictures like this, I yearn to board a plane and fly to a foreign city, if only to get kissed like that. That is love. And it’s real life (not that an upside down kiss…from spiderman isn’t). Pictures like that create romantic images of foreign cities and people for me. And I believe these cities/people are romantic, but I also know that romance exists right here. I think sometimes I, and people in general quite possibly, get fascinated with foreign destinations because they are foreign. Unknown. It’s always easier to think that if you were somewhere else, your life would be more exciting and romantic. But I don’t think that’s the case. Your life is what you make it. Here or in Rome or wherever you are at this given point in your life. This doesn’t stop me from wanting to travel though. I am planning on seeing one of my best friends in Italy when she travels there in the spring. Two of my other best friends are traveling this year too…and what a good time to go! Truthfully, I’m jealous.

Amor. Love. Love yourself. Friends. Family. Boyfriends/girlfriends. Passions. Seasons. There is so much in this world to love.

Sometimes life’s little adventures are about the journey you take to get somewhere. But sometimes, they are all about the destination, the place of serenity and hope, where you end up after a tumultous 8 months of more emotion and feeling than you would have ever thought. As a wise person once told me, one that I am so proud to consider one of my great friends, God does not give you the people you want in your life, he gives you the people that will shape you into the person you want to be. (That isn’t exactly right, so don’t quote me.)
In my case, the destination is not where I thought it would be at first, but a place where I now feel the most comfortable. I can honestly say this is a completely new place for me, but it is so welcoming and familiar and wonderful that I can testify I am more than thrilled to be here.
This whole sophomore year of college thing passed in a blissful mess of meetings, classes, almost all-nighters, movies, walks, dancing, pizza, and more memories with more wonderful people than I could have hoped for. It’s hard for me now to consider myself a junior, because that means I am one step closer to becoming a ‘big kid’ and having to make some decisions about my life. I have to admit though that I am welcoming my newfound freedom of choice. I am excited to be a teacher and finally explore the world outside of Pennsylvania. I know other places exist, I’m just sure of it! And I have all these wild, crazy plans that I know will come true in one form or another. It’s just weird for me to think that college is halfway over….more on that later.
I’d like to leave all of my readers…maybe there are 4 of you?! with some of my thoughts. I would say ‘words of wisdom’, but that is too cliche and not even remotely true. In this past year, I have learned to trust my own instincts and follow my own heart. I have learned that you really can’t please everyone and life is all about having fun. If people love you, they will come back to you, even if it’s not in the way you want/expect. You can’t control how other people feel about you. You can only control how you feel about yourself and your environment. If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. Sure, the people that care most about you will pick up the pieces of you when you fall, but ultimately that responsibility lies on you. It’s scary, but it’s truth and life and beauty and all those wonderful abstract concepts we try so hard to physically define. Life is a learning experience, a wild, crazy ride on a spinning top or a bouncy ball, or on the wings of a butterfly. My life is anyways. Because I want it to be. I want my life to be sunshine and rainbows and made up of a ton of itsy bitsy pieces of everything that is me. And you know what, after a year of wrestling with this idea, I LOVE ME. I’ll admit that I do still care if other people do too, but I know that I do love myself. Jewel’s new song has inspired me in all of this. She says, ‘I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else and believe in me, even though some can’t see the stronger woman in me.’ I am strong and I want to be where I’m at (and for those that know me, everywhere else too). I want to be a writer and some day that is going to happen to me.
Thanks for everything you guys have helped me with. It’s really more than I could ever, ever say.

The healing process is just that, a process. You can’t just wake up one day and tell yourself, ‘I am going to be a whole person today’ and then be that seemingly whole person. Things just don’t work like that. Healing takes time, patience, and a lot of extra caffeine. It takes will power to pick up your phone and stay connected to the people you care about and who care about you. Healing is tough but it is a part of life; it is a part of a climb.

Throughout my healing process, I stumbled upon a spiritual memoir entitled, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. It’s truly inspiring, especially for me, at this point in my life. ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ or EPL as I will affectionately refer to it from now on, is becoming one of my favorite books. (For those of you who know me, I know I say this about a lot of books, but in this case, I think it will be a permanent one). So go pick yourself up a copy…but not right now of course. Please read the rest of my blog and get a taste of what’s in store for you.

The first part of the healing process is the pleasure part. For me, this has always been a bit of my weakness. I find it hard to engage in activities I find truly enjoyable because either I have too many committments, or I don’t speak up, or I just don’t pay attention to the things my soul tells me I need to be doing. At all. However, during spring break, I took the opportunity to read outside, watch hours of grey’s anatomy with my sister, and drink coffee. These are all things that I can almost never do at school, but when I was at home, I found the time to do them. Gilbert mentions this in her book. She admits to the fact that Americans in general do not know much about pleasure. Really, we just can’t relax. And at least for me, this is true. I can’t relax sometimes. I worry about all the little things going on in my life and I stress about the fact I only have one life to live. But I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to live my one life worrying about the future. I need to do what makes me happy and I need to make time for that in my life. I mean, I know I will have a job and a family and will have to sacrifice some for the people and things I love, but I don’t plan on sacrificing my existence for anyone, unless that person is God (and he’s not even really a person). And now that I don’t have a significant other, I don’t have anyone else to worry about. I mean, now I can ask the questions Gilbert mentions in her book. ‘What do I want to do today?’ Notice I didn’t ask what should I do today but I asked what I wanted. In the hustle of a busy day, I need to learn to find spare moments where I can be me and be happy about my life. And this is where I started questioning who I was as a person. Who am I? Truly, I’m a confused individual right now. An individual that needs good friends and good food and some serious prayer time. That’s it. My favorite part of opening up myself to myself is that I am okay with being confused and if some people don’t like it, that’s too bad. I can’t please every single person in my life. And I can’t change how I feel.

And now, back to this amazing book. EPL is inspiring on so many levels. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I am anticipating an end that jumpstarts me into a new chapter of my life. Throughout the past weeks and even months, I have learned much about myself. The most important thing I’ve learned-is that I can learn; I can perserve. I can mess up, fall down and practically break, or I can be at the complete top of game, but through it all, I am the same person. I am me. It’s that simple. I will come through all the break-ups and the stormy weather because I have a strong foundation. As long as I stay true to that foundation, I know that nothing can go wrong.

And to all my readers (the few and far between)-if you have any suggestions or stories of your own, please feel free to leave a comment. I’d love hearing from you

So I’m climbing. Right now, my life is steep but I think it will be downhill soon.