Awake at 8 this morning was not what I wanted to be, I’ll tell you that much. But I had a responsibility to a few seniors in high school. Walking down to breakfast with my scholar, I thought, I remember being a senior in high school. All the responsibility I had, and all the decisions I had to make. Nowadays, college life brings on more challenges than I ever thought imaginable. If I would have known what college was going to be like when I was Rachelle’s age, I might have done things differently, but probably not, now that I think about it. I have always done what I liked to do and now that I am in college, sometimes I feel like I don’t know what that is. I try to balance all my time between schoolwork and classes, friends, a boyfriend, and everything that I like to do. It doesn’t always work out so well, which I think is something you can infer from my last entries. When all is said and done, I do like college and Gannon. Now i digress.
Lately I have been having trouble with my friends and Nate. To tell you the truth, I can’t even remember when everything started, or how. To make matters worse, I feel torn between two extremes. He loves me and wants to marry me and I feel the same. But at the same time, I need to have my girlfriends and I don’t want to exclude them. However, sometimes I feel they think that Nate should treat them exactly like he treats me and that’s not true. Things have been getting worse the past few days and I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, screaming to know the power of my own voice. Screaming in the courtyard right outside my dorm, right up to my window, because I can. It might not be necessarily out of anger or frustration, but just because I can.
It’s getting late and this entry has pretty much amounted to nothing except an image of me screaming up to my bedroom window…which isn’t necessarily a pretty picture.
My question though is how does forever feel? When you are meant to be with someone forever, how does that feel?

I wish I had the words to say, just to give voice to the thoughts in my head. At one point in my 18 years, I knew exactly what I wanted in my life. Five years old, and the girl already knew she wanted to teach. That’s what my dad always says. Now, this 18 year old undergrad wishes she were so sure. Every day I walk to class, under the blue or gray Erie sky and see people, just like me, doing just what I do. Yet somehow, they all seem so confident with themselves. And here I am. Not. Somehow, I have placed myself on top of a plataeu that I know not how to get down from. I wish I could write better, write like I could when I was young. Page after page of diaries and journals filled themselves right before my eyes. My biggest problem back then was that I could not write fast enough to keep up with all the thoughts in my head. Now, I wish I could just have those thoughts back. Life, I have come to discover, is more than I ever thought before. Not that I took that much for granted, just that so many things happen to cause other things to happen that trying to keep up with it all is more than a little frustrating. This has all been building up in the last week, though I cannot remember exactly what triggered such a revelation from my brain. I’ll list here some of my loves and maybe by doing that, I can get some direction.
HELP-My goal in life is to help as many people as I possibly can. Nothing, not even a well-written piece of prose gives me more satisfaction. I hate seeing people upset and I yearn to do as much as possible to help them. CHILDREN-I love kids. I love the carelessness they have, their ability to make the best of all situations and smile when crying. I love their love of their life. Everything is new when you are 5. WRITING-I believe in the power of the written word. I know how much writing helps me and so many others, every day. I love to write. My sixth grade teacher told me that I would be a writer. I have never wanted to disappoint her. READING-This is how my sister and I differ. She could never understand how I could become so involved with a book. I could never understand how she couldn’t. TRAVEL-I want to see the world, from the lonely old diner in the middle of nowhere to the eiffel tower in ol Paris. I want to write about my adventures, celebrate them, and help as many as I an along the way. At one time, I wanted to write for National Geographic Magazine. To me, that was a blend of all of my dreams. THEATER-I love acting. I love being a new person every time I step on the stage. I love watching musicals and plays and everything about them. DANCE-If there was one thing I wish I could do better, ( well that is not true, I wish I could do a lot of things better), that would be dancing. I love to dance and move and just let myself go. I love expressing myself in that way. I do not have Dance school technique, but all the same, I love to just dance. And now, I am just me. A girl with a lot of love for life. I want, and have always wanted, to do everything. If there is one thing I have realized from all this, it is that someday I will. I am not one to give up. I will be the last person to give up on me. Maybe by writing all this down, I can start to write again. I can find the time. My writing might have died because I am never sure that it is good enough. Sometimes I feel so lost when I write, as if I know generally what to say but do not possess the ability to say it. If I want to be an English teacher, shouldn’t I love writing and literature and kids? All of those things are true, but i don’t know if I want to teach English for the rest of my life. I love kids though, and that is something that I don’t want to give up. Basically, I need an enlightenment.