my boyfriend is forcing me to write…well not forcing persay but influencing me. There used to be a period of time when I needed no reinforcement for scribbling my thoughts down in journals, notebooks, even on paper tablecloths in restaurants for goodness sakes. Words would just come to me and all I had to do was write them down. I guess I am sad that that is not happening so much anymore. To put it frankly, it hasn’t happened since last semester and even then it happened rarely. My problem with writing tonight is that I am just so tired. Too tired to think or write anything of any value (to anyone but me that is). But here goes.

Today was pretty normal. Sacred Scriptures. Meeting (I was the only person in attendance). Math (A on a test ) and then homework off and on the rest of the night. oh and my favorite class, Ed. Psych. at 5. Overall, not a bad day. Disappointed my dad a few days ago and heard the wrath today. Nothing too horrible but not too great either. Sometimes I just wonder-where did I go wrong?

Saw best friend maggie today. Never ceases to make me smile

The biggest accomplishment of my day actually came in the form of a revelation. I think I want to teach. The only problem is that I don’t know if I really want to work with teenagers or if I want to work with younger kids, those that are genuinely eager to learn, no matter what their interests are. That is the last piece of the puzzle I have yet to grasp. But I do like teaching. And I like English; I think once i get past the freshman comp. classes my english classes will be a lot nicer. I do somehow like writing this research paper though. I am interested in my topic (No child left behind) and I enjoy working on different assignments, even if they are time consuming. (To be expected, I’m in college right??)

In closing, thanks for inspiring me to write something tonight, Nate, even if it is a bunch of nonsensical babble I just wrote to get it off my chest. Good night

Sometimes I find pieces of me in other people. Like my new best friend, Maggie. It’s remarkable what some people can inspire in you in such a short period of time. Maggie and I have had a few split second encounters-seeing each other randomly at Honors Events or in the hallways of Palumbo. I think Thursday was the day we actually spent more than a few seconds together; we went to Starbucks, her, me, and Alaina. Now I really don’t want to sound like a weirdo stalker/pyscho…but I admire her greatly. She has a spirit, a life, an individuality that I somehow lost. In my search for friends, a major, my old life, I have failed to embrace the new blossoming right before my eyes. I am looking forward to next semester only because I am looking forward to change. I am tired of being the “me” I am right now, someone lost and struggling to find her way. I feel like the Ugly Duckling, a role played by the talented Kyle Helliar, lost and lonely and looking for the sunlight on the path. Maggie is someone who has a piece of me inside her. She has a spark of life that is different yet stable every time I meet her. Our few encounters have, by chance, always been when I needed them the most. Just when I would start to feel lonely, there she would be. She will never know how much she has helped me find a part of me that was missing. I’ll be always be grateful. And next year, who knows what will happen. She won’t be here to help me but I know her spirit will stay with me.

If I was a little girl again, I would think that doubt is a “big” word. Not big in the sense of hard to spell or understand the meaning of, but big in the sense that if a person has a doubt, it plays a big role in their life. I think that is what has been happening to me lately, although at the rate things have been going, I cannot be too sure. Sometimes I doubt that I could amount to a “good” English teacher, or a teacher at all. How can someone possibly convey all the appreciation he/she has for a specific area of study to teenagers who probably don’t care at all about it? An even bigger doubt that I have is that I don’t have the passion for it. What happens then? I guess I am lucky though in a way. I am not a believer in regret and even if I do doubt myself, usually I push the negative thoughts out of my head and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. More than anything, I want to find my passion and live it every day of my life. Right now, I would guess my passions are my family, my very best friends (Aly, Holly, Sharyn, Carrie and the girls at school), Nate, kids, writing, dancing, acting, people, reading, traveling, and making a difference, though not neccessarily in that order. If I was asked this two weeks from now, my answers probably wouldn’t be different and that alone makes me believe I am close to finding my true “life’s work” and am doing nothing more than doubting myself.