As I think back over the past nine months of my life, I can clearly see myself growing up. Slowly but surely, like the little engine that could, repeatedly uttering, “I think I can, I think I can”. In the beginning of the school year, back in the sweltering humidity of August, I thought I could handle whatever college threw at me. Granted, I had no idea what it would be like, but I knew, above all else, that I could succeed.

Looking back on August and September, all those parties, girls nights, and the wild and carefree days, I realize that I did not know as much as I know now. I remember meeting Carrie for the first time and thinking, ‘I am rooming with a tomboy?’ This girl played soccar for the school, but still plays soccar and softball in the summer. Now, every time I look at Carrie, I see my best friend at college. And she really is. I have opened up to her a lot more than I thought I would. But every time I look at her, I am glad I did. She is truly a wonderful person and I wish her the best of luck in everything she does. Here I am, talking about her like I will never see her again! Well, we are rooming together next year…along with Ana and Megs…two equally sweet girls that I love dearly. The four of us have stuck together throught it all this year….all the breakups and makeups, tests and finals, drama and tears, we did it. We really succeed, four girls new to this entire opportunistic world of college.

I can’t forget to mention the other wonderful girls of Wehrle 2E, especially Kelley, Marissa, Melanie, Katie, Ali, Alex, and Megan…and all my theater friends who I know I can count on for a good time. i have met so many people here at Gannon and I love them all. I know that i made the right choice in coming to college here. I know I am not done growing up…nowhere close. But I think I made strides this year and that is all that matters…..

I hope this post, although abruptly ended, is more positive than the last two.

Just when you think you have life figured out for the moment, another moment comes and you realize, quite sadly, that you don’t. Yesterday I seriously considered becoming a nurse. Education is not challenging enough for me. I appreciate the English language and I appreciate literature, but I really just want to be a leader, help people, and write. I don’t know what kind of job that means, but I was thinking that nursing would be great. There are so many job opportunities out there for nurses…it is the most growing occupation. I could travel and I know that I am intelligent enough to handle the coursework. I just am still unsure of it all so I won’t rush into anything. Some days I think I can do anything and then other days I think I can do nothing. So the bottom line is the debate is still out and I guess that means my mid life crisis is not officially over. Bummer.

Immobilized. Insensate. Frozen. Deadened. Detached. Numb.
Life is a wheel, an unending circle of choices with consequences. The hardest part of this so-called circle is knowing when to jump and when to hold out. My fear of waiting forced me to jump into the dark waters of change, although I could have just as well tried to wade in staying exactly how I was. In reality, I didn’t feel like I had a choice; I felt as if I were slowly sinking and had never learned how to swim.
I can say after the fact that I wish things could have happened differently somehow. I wish circumstances would have been different. Because of my numbness, I can’t say that I remember much of what happened. I only woke up today knowing that it did.
I had a funny dream last night. I dreamt that my boyfriend told me if he didn’t get an email from me by 6:00 am, he would know my decision was made. Weird, I know.
Just took a walk to the pier….I can’t decide if I am okay or not. I know the way I want things to be, but I’ve learned that sometimes just wanting something isn’t enough to make it happen. No matter how much confidence a person has, people can’t change-unless they really really want to and they put forth all the effort necessary and change ultimately for themselves…not for you.
No matter where my life goes from this point on, I know that he changed it for me. He taught me that I was beautiful, inside and out. I know he loved me for me, and not for any other reason. I have felt more comfortable around him than around anyone I have ever known, except for Aly and my family. I love him and I always will and I don’t care who knows it.

Sometimes in our lives, things happen. People change and sometimes, it takes drastic measures to recognize that change. But when it comes right down to it, I remember that I only have one life to live and I want to feel as though it is mine to live-all the time, not just on the good days. What will today be-a good day or a bad one? And then there is the whole thing of feeling alone…and who wants to face that? Sometimes I am afraid I need someone so that if I don’t want to do something everyone else is doing I don’t have to. But will I ever know how I will be as a person if I don’t take a chance on something that is beginning to flicker in my heart? And if I get the courage to do it…will he accept it and try and change or will he just give up everything? I mean, there are couples that end up getting back together after they take a break…why can’t we be one of those? Instead, he gives me this ultimatium…this ridiculous choice and I don’t know how to react because he is one of the most important people in my life.

Should I be:
-English teacher
-Magazine Editor
-Journalist/writer
-Public Relations Person
-Director of something (thanks to Carrie)
-president of a university/professor
-the next Katie Couric
-project manager
-U.S. Senator
-Human Resources
-Actor/Hollywood lol

Just a list~

This post is dedicated, completely, to the movie Pan’s Labyrinth. For all of you who have not seen it, I warn you-DON’T! The plot of the movie, though well thought-out, leaves much to be discovered. Some of the images are…let’s just say….gross, to be blunt. The story is very fantastical (is that a word?) , meaning it is very out there in terms of the ideas. Let me give you one example.

I don’t know if anyone else has seen this, but there is one part where the main character draws a door in her room and then goes through it. Kinda cool. When she walks into this brightly lit, castle-like chamber, there is a vast feast spread out along the table. It does indeed look good. The fairies that led her into this room remind her that she is not to eat of any of the food. Does she listen? Of course not. Because of that, a white man, with eyes in his hands, eats the fairies and then tries to eat her. The weird part is that there are pictures of this naked white man eating children on the walls and a pile of white baby shoes in the corner. I know I have seen these things before…now the question is-where?
Anyways, I guess it suffices to say that she makes it out alive. But this is one strange movie. I don’t recommend it, especially on a Saturday night, which is when I happened to watch it. If you were thinking remotely of renting it-DON’T! Turn your car around and head back the way you came….or I guess a more simple solution would be to just rent something else
Anything new happening in y life? Not particularly, I am really just waiting for summer and a chance to be free. Working never looked so good, I must admit, although I hope to have two jobs this summer. I applied at Olive Garden, Atria’s, TGIF’s, and Barnes and Nobles over Easter Break and so far none of them have gotten back to me….a little disppointing, but I am not worried as of yet.
As far as changing my major, the idea taking over my life, I don’t know yet. A part of me wants to think, “What would I even change it to?” Occupational therapy looks too rountine for me, no offense to any OT’s-you do admirable work. Speech-patholoy is still open, I guess, but I think I am looking for a slightly more creative field, whether that be editing, PR/Marketing, or teaching, all of which I can do with an English major. I don’t know about the PR part, but after I shadow, I can probably eliminate that from my list. My worry now is that by taking education classes, I can’t take the cool English classes. How do I know if I really want to be a teacher? i think that being a teacher gives me the most flexibility; I can have a family, I can work with the theater department and help them with their productions, I can be involved with theater myself, and maybe even write for a magazine or something cool like that. I keep coming back to my sixth grade English teacher. She wrote YCBAW at the top of one of my papers in the beginning of the year. When I questioned her as to what it meant, she replied, “You can be a writer.” At the end of the year, in my yearbook, she wrote, “YWBAW”, which I knew meant, “You will be a writer.” Things like that don’t happen by chance; she saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself. It got lost, forgotten because of a 4.1 GPA, graduating valedictorian, other teachers telling me I was too smart to be a teacher. I think that is part of the reason I am considering becoming an OT or something in the health field. Sure, I love to help people, but I don’t know…I want to get to know them, like a teacher does, personally, throughout the entire year, building on their strengths, recognizing their weaknesses. I want to show people who care that writing is amazing and the canonical texts are brilliant. I want to tell them that writing applies to every life, it doesn’t segregate. And I love learning-absolutely adore it. I love it even more than I love libraries and acting and theaters and bookstores and coffeehouses, so if you knoow me, you know the extent to which that is. Writers have to learn every day, become experts on the things they are sharing with the world. I know that I am not the best writer, not even close. I don’t know a lot of the rules and I am not familiar with all the technology out there or even the great authors of our time. That is what this summer is going to become. Hopefully it will be the biggest learning experience I have ever had. I want to do something great with my life. I am tired of being sad and confused and taking everything for granted, even though I swear that I don’t try to. I am done with all of that. The Stephanie that everyone sees now is going to be changed, for the better. No more sad songs, as Clay Aiken would sing (and yes, I am stilll a fan). With an English major, you can do so many things and I don’t specifically know what I want to do yet. I know what I like/am good at: public speaking, acting, writing (hopefully), getting along with others, being organized, creativity, a flexible routine…the list goes on and on. I am choosing an occupation because I like it, not for any other reason. I know that I could be a doctor or a lawyer or something like that. I have enough self-determination to do anything. I don’t mean to be arrogant, I just mean that I really could do anything because I work extremely hard. I am not naturally smart; I read a lot and work hard. I don’t want to do something for the money because, well, I don’t want my life to suck in the end. I mean, I am naturally cheap, when it comes to spending money, especially spending money on myself.
Anyways (I say that a lot) that was enough of a ramble. Time to get dressed, read some Sacred Scriptures, go to the theater to help Kelly, choir (even though I really can’t sing) then back here to do a research paper before the last SAB meeting of the semester

The weather in Erie took a turn for the better today. It was beautiful-windy and sunny. To cap it all off, it rained during Palm Sunday mass tonight. Somehow I could feel that God was watching over us; his power demonstrated with all the lightning and thunder his followers could wish for on a beautiful night. And not only was today great for the weather, but I found something in myself today, although if someone asked me, I really couldn’t respond. I think I learned to truly love myself today. Father George said something in his sermon, a simple phrase that I have heard for at least 10 Palm Sundays now and probably more, but I can’t remember back that far. He simply called for everyone to bring themselves to Jesus. Not your best self, just yourself. I will not always be my best self and it’s taken me a while to realize that. I am, without a doubt, always myself though and that fact helps me get through the day. No matter what happens, I will always be me and as strangely true as that sounds, it helps me so much just to write it, to believe it. I am me, Stephanie Lynn Martinez every day of my life. Me. It’s really a funny concept, how each person is so different yet undeniably the same. We all are on that journey through life, the journey we have heard about a million times and yet sometimes we just don’t think about ourselves as people on a journey. We think of the things we are a part of, the things we have to do. Yet underneath all that is the person that God made us to be, just waiting to be discovered. So how does all this relate to my life? Not sure yet, except for the fact that I am my own person and sooner or later I will find what should and will be my life’s work.