So instead of reading about dialects (chapter 10 of my linguistics book), I’m blogging, a past time that I consider wholly worthwhile. I love it. When I was younger, I would always fill page after page of journals and my fingers would ache with pain. My heart would finally be relieved of the burden of my emotions, but my fingers had to suffer too much in the process. So, now finally, I have discovered just one little treasure of the internet-wordpress.com and blogging. Lovely. And now, on to the events that comprise my life at the moment.

The first is that I am realizing that I am independent. Kinda scary in a way, especially for someone like me, who isn’t used to being alone. I’m not sure how I feel about it, to be honest, but I know that I want to enjoy my life. I’m tired of living in theory (ok, so I stole that off of Chasing Liberty, a simply chick flick starring Mandy Moore and some incredibly cute boy that I just watched, instead of doing my homework). I don’t want to get to personal in this blog, in case someone actually reads this! And although that would be amazing, I’m not quite comfortable with revealing personal details about myself over the internet. All that being said, in more ways than one, I am independent and like it or not, I’m done living my life in my head, wishing for things that won’t come true. I will live my life in the present from now on, and there is going to be no looking back. I figure I’ll take this time to write and read more, study even harder, and devote my time to myself and my friends. Goodness knows I don’t see some of them nearly enough. 

The second event is that I am now a new member of Alpha Gamma Delta, a social sorority here at Gannon. A few of my friends were surprised that I chose to join, but overall, I could not be more happy with my decision. I love those girls. Yesterday, we had a party for all of us, the new girls (Alex, Elyse, Amanda, Sarah, Sam, and me) and it was sooo much fun! I feel so lucky to be able to make so many close friends in such a short time. I already feel so close to all of these girls, some of whom I met just a month ago! And, as Jill was quick to remind me, I now have about 30 girls that will kick the butt of anyone I feel needs kicking…that is a comforting thought. So last night was so fun and I can’t wait for all of the other fun things that are going to come!

The third is that I have started my placement at Cathedral Preparatory School, on 8th Street right here in Erie. So far, all is good there. I am observing Mrs. Hammerman’s classes, two Honors Sophomore and one regular junior. The boys there are a hoot. I’ve already had to say no to a phone number! I feel bad for them, because they seem to be very behind in relation to what I think (unprofessional opinion of course) they should know by the time they are juniors in high school. Mrs. Hammerman does her best with them and hopefully by the end of the year, they will have learned all she has taught them.

The fourth is that I’m going to write a book. For myself, for Christmas. It might just be a pieces, or it may just be an entire work of fiction. Who knows. I want to have it ready for Christmas though, so I can get it published through some program my aunt has. You can design everything about the book: the layout, the cover, the pictures that are included, everything. It is a little expensive though, about $50 for one book. My book needs to be extremely well written and I want to include only my very best works. This means I need to write a lot and read a lot and in general, be more observant of everyone around me. Only then can I write something that can change lives.

I guess that is it for now. My head is filled with so many comments, for once, but I am feeling that I have to learn about Linguistics now, if only so I can go to bed early tonight.

the moon. the stars. my great-grandmother’s hand. my mom’s homemade snickerdoodles. a seal (and be in antartica or alaska). my dad’s new plum crazy purple challenger. the ocean near brazil. california’s red oaks and its grapes. my dreams. my dog Sammy. My fears. the bottom of the ocean. a burning fire. someone’s heart. someone’s soul. heaven. the eiffel tower. dumbo. a beautiful flower. a puppy. silk. moments (so I could hold them). you (now, if there are any readers out there….i don’t mean this in a perverted way, just a “I want to leave you feeling different than when you started reading” kind of way).

I loved this boy with all my heart, for better or worse, good or bad. Somewhere along the way, our love got lost and we got pulled in two different directions. Maybe we tried to fight it, and maybe we didn’t. All I can say now is that I have never felt this way before. I can’t find the words to describe exactly how I feel, although I am sure most everyone has felt this way at one point in their lives because we are all human and pain is a part of life. None of my past relationships have ended like this and I sincerely hope that nothing like this happens again. I know, looking back, that at times I loved him more than I could ever realize, but at times I couldn’t understand a single thought in his head. He exposed me to new ideas and concepts that I had never before considered and made me feel so incredibly unique and more me than I have ever felt. I want him to know that I am thankful for that, and for all that he has done for me.

I found two quotes that I liked on the subject:
“Me, I’m scared of everything, I’m scared of who I am, what I saw, what I did, but most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way I feel when I’m with you.”
~This probably explains why I am so hesitant to move on. I know that I have to and someday, I will.

If you’re going to make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears.
~During our relationship, I always told him that if he made me cry to leave the tears for me to wipe away. Now that I think about it, wiping away tears means someone cares for you and is sorry for whatever they have done or said to make the tears flow.

I guess the whole point of this scatter brained entry was to let my thoughts out, let them take whatever course they will take. For my last words, I feel more lost than I have ever felt and my stomach has been so upset this whole week. I can’t control my thoughts as well as I used to; I have trouble focusing on the slightest things. It is all I can do to hold myself together and be “normal”.

They say that you will never forget your first love. I know he was mine and I will never forget him, no matter what happens from here on out.

If you still read this blog, I want you to know that I only want the best for you, whatever that is.

Sometimes I know I have what it takes to be a “successful” writer. Most days, i do not think I will ever make it there. Maybe I just haven’t matured enough yet,I tell myself, making excuses for a life I want to lead, but am not too sure how. I think of qualities that I have that make me a writer, such as my love of people. Sometimes I love everyone so much that I cannot find the faults in them. (and the worst part is, these faults come back to bite me later) I tell myself that I am a good person, that I want the good for everyone. Most of the time, I do not know how writing plays into that. Maybe it is untouched or untapped creativity, just waiting to be unleashed. Perhaps. All I know is that when the words come, as they sometimes do, I have to just let them come and hope my fingers can keep up with the frantic pace of the words running through my head. The words that come to the paper sometimes don’t come out as well as I think it should. I read samples of my classmates writing and I feel that I am just “not getting it”. And then I think, where does that leave me? I have built a good eight years of my life on being a writer and when it comes down to it, I just do not have the confidence to push myself where I need to go. I want to be a good writer. I want to have the confidence to work for the Gannon Knight and be all that I can be. I want to write, without fear or hopelessness. I want to write for me, as much as for an audience. When these ideas bubble to the surface of my often cluttered mind, I take comfort in the fact that as of yet, I have not given up. Nor do I plan to start.