wow. typing feels amazing…good, yet unfamiliar. i’ve been away for too long. for all my readers, the few and far between, this is going to be a pretty personal entry because i feel as if i have a lot to get off of my chest tonight.

the weather’s turning more blistery. snow is falling in spurts, sometimes it seems as though buckets and buckets of powdery fluff is being poured from heaven onto gray erie in an attempt to transform it into a glittering wonderland. as all this change is happening and a new year approaches, i can’t help but reflect on where my life has taken me in this past year. last year at this time, i think i was more crazy, more frenzied, rushing about and not taking the time to breathe. this year, i feel grounded, ready to leap and soar, but always pausing to watch my tracks disappear with each falling flake.

that’s a new me. i’ve never really experienced this self before. i am very much more reflective and appreciative and full of wonder. i’ve always asked myself about the ‘what if’s’ but i’ve never really considered them before now. i feel as if i have a clean heart and a fresh mind, and am ready to start into something new. but what? maybe i am starting to feel the pressure a little because i am a junior now…and the next time i schedule, i’ll be picking the classes that will fill my senior year of college. how crazy is that? its pretty much unbelievable. i had a conversation with a past professor of mine today, about what i should do with my life after college. i always new it would be a big decision, but i never knew just how big, or when i would really know what i wanted to do. it’s safe to say i have no idea, but i also have plenty of time to decide that. i’m hoping something sparks (if you have any ideas, feel free).

oh, and im ready to be with someone that makes me smile all the time. i read that phrase on a bumper sticker and it certainly fits. i mean, i am not desperately looking for someone, but in my new state of mind, i feel soooo much more grounded than i ever have been. i see this most from my sister. she has been with this one boy for a while now, and everyone can see that they are destined to be together. sometimes i think i know who destiny has picked out for me, and other times i sadly realize that i have no idea. i just hope that person comes into my life soon. i wasn’t ready for someone until now, but i feel that now i can take on the added responsibility and can really and truly open my heart up. i’ve finally healed. i can tell that i have because i feel more mature and more grounded. i am still as optomistic as ever, but at the same time, i feel weathered, as though i have seen what life can do (at least somewhat) and am prepared to FINALLY be open to who i am as a person…to someone else. opening up, truly, has always been so hard for me. i can be open about everything, other than what is truly in my heart. but now…if the right person has come along, i know that i could be there. 100%…in a stay up late to confort you, help you study, know your friends, eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite team, constantly texting you kind of way. i have to admit, i’m kinda proud of myself. and you know what, if someone doesn’t come along for a few years, i guess that was meant to be. but i do know that this time, i am ready, that i will be ready. this past year i wasn’t, hence the ’single’ status now. but…if fate puts someone in my life now, i would come running to answer the door.

i’m proud of myself. i think i’ve come a long way from the bouncing all over the place, hiding true feelings girl to a mature adult, one with thoughts and dreams and aspirations…who knows what love feels like, but is ready for a deep love, one that doesn’t die and doesn’t ever fade, no matter what the circumstances.

oh and on a completely different note, i am the undergraduate judge for the Totem this year…so apparently i have definitely developed from where i was last year…this journey just keeps on going