So there have been a lot of weddings in my atmosphere lately. Or at the very least, a lot of people I know are in solid, committed relationships. And you know what, to be frank, I am a little bit jealous. I would be lying to myself if I pretended otherwise. However, most of the feelings I’ve been having lately are stemmed from the amount of coursework and activities I have found myself engaged in so far this semester. I could really use a personal cheerleader right now. You know, someone to tell me everything I’m doing is absolutely perfect. The more I think about that though, the more I know that being told you are doing everything right is a lie. No person can possibly do everything right. That’s a fact of life. And if I did have a personal cheerleader right now, I would proably be less motivated to get all the work that I have to finish completed. And in any case, relationships are not all about personal cheerleaders. I read a spotlight in my school’s newspaper today on someone who is married. This young woman is only a year older than myself and she found her husband in England….sigh….

Her article described her perfect romance…with a twist. Yes, she did meet the man she loved in England. Yes, she wrote of her situation something to the extent of “we were crazy about each other and inseperatable from the day we met. (Of course I want something like that to happen to me). However, what she also mentioned, and was in fact the entire point of her article, married life is not all that much different from the dating life. Couples still go through all the ups and downs, regardless if vows have been involved or not. Relationships are challenging. They involve a whole lot more than personal cheerleaders if they are ever going to work in the “real world”.

So, it is not okay to date someone for convience. It’s not okay to settle for only being happy on certain days. It’s not okay to be constantly selfish and never give someone the kindness and respect they deserve. It is okay though to be patient with people and realize that everyone needs a personal cheerleader.

And just because that is what I need right now does not mean I need to be in a relationship. I shouldn’t be in one, for the very reasons I described in the paragraphs above. Now, I still have this dream of living in Europe and meeting the man of my dreams, and maybe he is over there somewhere, but I have to concentrate on making my own dreams come true and then “our” dreams will fall into place.

I’m still hoping for that sunset/movie night, whenever he comes my way…

When the moment is not right, and the timing unusual, that’s when I usually experience my revelations. Take today’s for example. Picture night in the city, quiet (because it’s erie). A night whose aroma and atmosphere hint at fall, but whose temperature is reminisent of spring..aka the perfect evening. You, sitting at a stoplight, the light turns that jungle green and you push your car forward, straight ahead, and you see a moment, someone else’s, displayed like a silent film through your passenger side window. Even though it’s not your moment, in a way, you have intruded, forced your way into it. And you learn something. About yourself. It’s funny that people change, that our lives spin out of control at times and at others, seem to be going nowhere. For me, it’s always easier to see other people’s lives moving, as a series of fast-paced moments that give way to goals being achieved. It’s hard for me to see my own life as more than moments, more than a series of events (some most unfortunate). However, I like to keep things in perspective and seeing other people’s moments reminds me of my own and how my own life somehow parallels even the most bizarre times. For everyone having a nice moment right now, enjoy it. Someone else could be getting something from that too.

And I guess that if you think I’m stealing that moment, I have probably just confessed.

P.S. I love surprises.

It’s approximately 12:55 am. and I’m writing. I see this as a very good sign. Maybe I am becoming more disciplined? but then again, maybe not. my thoughts of the night are revolving around an upcoming semester. I am a big bad senior now, and that title comes with it’s fair share of expectations. Granted, most of which I have put on myself. With all that said, I’ve decided to not let me come in the way of doing what I want to do. Believe me, that has happened more than once.

Guess what I did tonight? I water colored. (is that even a verb?) It was just what I needed to stop myself from thinking of depressing thoughts…such as how I am a single individual with no real direction. I was surprised at how much i was able to lose myself in the pastel colors that seeped into the stolen computer paper. (ha) there was something about the way the colors were so confidently filling the paper so that no white could be seen. Now i see very clearly why painting is considered therapy. All those art therapy majors…you are awesome!

blah. well, i suppose i should get some sleep before my 8, yes 8, hours of class tomorrow. good thing i love learning

peace.

wow, it has been a while since i’ve posted anything here. i wish that i could say this means i’ve been writing in some homemade journal that i keep under my bed, but it doesn’t. i don’t know why i need to send my entries out over the web, but it somehow keeps me motivated. and as long as i’m writing, i really don’t care about the how or the why it happens.

a quick update on my life: being back to school has been pretty much the best time of my life. i think living in my own place forces me to think about my own life a little bit more. yesterday, i hung up curtains and two days ago, i cleaned my room from top to bottom. (if you know me, you know that is probably one of the few times that has ever happened!) i have no idea where all the domesticated ambition came from, but it happened and maybe now it will happen more often. alright, that’s a bit of a stretch

i’m happy to be joining this wonderful writing community again, even if only one person or five people ever stumbles upon this blog. next time, i will have a greater contribution to make, but for now, i’m content with just being able to get some words out onto the page.

peace.

I borrowed “The Last Lecture” from a friend who wants it back…so here I’m posting a few of my favorite quotes which will be food for thought later.

Fakes: occur when people don’t realize they are learning until well into the process.

“But I was hugely impressed. Kirk, I mean, Shatner, was the ultimate example of a man who knew what he didn’t know, was perfectly willing to admit it, and didn’t want to leave until he understood.”

“…the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

ENABLE THE DREAMS OF OTHERS.

“Too many people go through life complaining about their problems.. I’ve always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out.”

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”

Right at this moment, I’m in love with two songs-’In your eyes’ done by Sara Bareilles and Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. I don’t know why…well, maybe I do. ‘In your eyes’ is about hope. The hope that comes only from knowing you have given it all. She sings about finding that, in someone’s eyes, you can get lost. You can find yourself. Time moves so slowly as more and more of your soul gets pulled in. And after that first look, it’s done. You are forever trapped in those irises. You leave all the noise, all your pride, and reach for that light, that heat. Those eyes hold all the answers to the questions you’ve been searching for. Those eyes are the windows to the soul that matches yours. The speaker sings about not liking to see all the pain, see so much wasted. And that’s how I feel right now. I see that I cause pain, that there is love wasted, and not returned and people upset. And the worst part is that I can’t do anything, because I can’t relate. Any feelings I have, anything that makes me feel complete, I am not finding in the right places, if at all. Wouldn’t it be nice if all the puzzle pieces could fit together? And yes, I know that day will come but as Sara sings….I get so lost sometimes. Not only in a person’s eyes, but in that search for something I have yet to find.

(Sorry if all this is just rambling…I’m writing this as these songs are playing)

Listen to Jai Ho please! It is an amazing song….

there is hope in life. and after hope, there is suspense….you’re working really hard for something and now all you can do is wait for the response. when things have worked, there is happiness. this song is about all the happiness, is about living in the moment and shaking it till there’s no tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what the problems were, they are all gone now. In this movie, it took these two childhood friends years to be together. This song tells me that life is what it is. It’s life. and we live it. To the best we can. And soemtimes, we fight. Sometimes, we get tempted. Sometimes, we get inspired. Sometimes, we think we’ve found what we’ve been looking for and we’re wrong. But every once in a while, the best thing that could have happened-well, it happens. And then there is nothing more to do but celebrate. Embrace the energy and the change and everything that makes up this weird thing called life. Maybe we all don’t have what we really want right now, but we all have things that we are glad we have. and those are the things to be thankful for…the appreciation and love of friends, the sunshine, the occasional smile from a stranger…

You know, it’s possible that that one look, that one smile, could be the start of a lot of hope.

wow. typing feels amazing…good, yet unfamiliar. i’ve been away for too long. for all my readers, the few and far between, this is going to be a pretty personal entry because i feel as if i have a lot to get off of my chest tonight.

the weather’s turning more blistery. snow is falling in spurts, sometimes it seems as though buckets and buckets of powdery fluff is being poured from heaven onto gray erie in an attempt to transform it into a glittering wonderland. as all this change is happening and a new year approaches, i can’t help but reflect on where my life has taken me in this past year. last year at this time, i think i was more crazy, more frenzied, rushing about and not taking the time to breathe. this year, i feel grounded, ready to leap and soar, but always pausing to watch my tracks disappear with each falling flake.

that’s a new me. i’ve never really experienced this self before. i am very much more reflective and appreciative and full of wonder. i’ve always asked myself about the ‘what if’s’ but i’ve never really considered them before now. i feel as if i have a clean heart and a fresh mind, and am ready to start into something new. but what? maybe i am starting to feel the pressure a little because i am a junior now…and the next time i schedule, i’ll be picking the classes that will fill my senior year of college. how crazy is that? its pretty much unbelievable. i had a conversation with a past professor of mine today, about what i should do with my life after college. i always new it would be a big decision, but i never knew just how big, or when i would really know what i wanted to do. it’s safe to say i have no idea, but i also have plenty of time to decide that. i’m hoping something sparks (if you have any ideas, feel free).

oh, and im ready to be with someone that makes me smile all the time. i read that phrase on a bumper sticker and it certainly fits. i mean, i am not desperately looking for someone, but in my new state of mind, i feel soooo much more grounded than i ever have been. i see this most from my sister. she has been with this one boy for a while now, and everyone can see that they are destined to be together. sometimes i think i know who destiny has picked out for me, and other times i sadly realize that i have no idea. i just hope that person comes into my life soon. i wasn’t ready for someone until now, but i feel that now i can take on the added responsibility and can really and truly open my heart up. i’ve finally healed. i can tell that i have because i feel more mature and more grounded. i am still as optomistic as ever, but at the same time, i feel weathered, as though i have seen what life can do (at least somewhat) and am prepared to FINALLY be open to who i am as a person…to someone else. opening up, truly, has always been so hard for me. i can be open about everything, other than what is truly in my heart. but now…if the right person has come along, i know that i could be there. 100%…in a stay up late to confort you, help you study, know your friends, eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite team, constantly texting you kind of way. i have to admit, i’m kinda proud of myself. and you know what, if someone doesn’t come along for a few years, i guess that was meant to be. but i do know that this time, i am ready, that i will be ready. this past year i wasn’t, hence the ’single’ status now. but…if fate puts someone in my life now, i would come running to answer the door.

i’m proud of myself. i think i’ve come a long way from the bouncing all over the place, hiding true feelings girl to a mature adult, one with thoughts and dreams and aspirations…who knows what love feels like, but is ready for a deep love, one that doesn’t die and doesn’t ever fade, no matter what the circumstances.

oh and on a completely different note, i am the undergraduate judge for the Totem this year…so apparently i have definitely developed from where i was last year…this journey just keeps on going

Come November, push is finally going to come to shove here in America. People are going to have to make decisions about which candidate will be the best person to run the United States of America, the world’s economic superpower…(well, that’s what I’ve always heard, but it may not be true). But, seriously, none of that really matters. It just doesn’t. There are real issues people need to figure out-and soon. Democrats and Republicans…who cares? We are all people living on one planet and we need to DSPs (designated smart persons…not my term, but I love it!) to help us figure out what the hell is going on. One of these issues is Iraq. Just mentioning that country puts a bad taste in my mouth…not because I have anything against the culture or the people, but because of the American view on things. Iraq is talked about way too much, but not in the sense it should be. The people are suffering from disease, lack of water and electricity, and just plain chaos. No one seems to realize all of the aspects of the war that affect the people. They are the ones that really suffer. And the worst part of it is is that Americans have spent so much money on this war and most Iraqis just want us to leave! Where did all of our money go? What is going on over there? We need solutions that are culturally sensitive and we need them right now. So many people just need to get over the politics of life and focus on the issues that really matter. Did you know that Iraq is the longest war we’ve been involved in in history? And over 100,000 people are already dead because of it. But at the same time, it is too nieve (sp?) to simply shout, “Stop the war!” We are in too deep now and it’s stupid to point fingers at countries/people. That’s not going to change anything. Obviously, we are going to be in Iraq for a long time. But let’s make the most of the time and money we have to spend and come up with solutions to our problems that will work.

all that said, i went to a lecture last night so that’s where all of this came from…

After a hard look in the mirror, and perhaps more than one cup of coffee, I finally maybe possibly realized something. You can’t judge your life by the people you put in it. Your life is 100% yours. Granted, we all make mistakes….but they happen for a reason. If someone in your life is happy, great. You don’t have to be. And if someone is sad, it isn’t specifically listed in your job description that you be the person to make their rainy day bright. And this whole relationship thing? Not worth it. Really and completely. I’m not in the right place right now. This year started off terribly…with me reaching so far back in the past it hurt. Of course that didn’t work. And that is okay. It’s not supposed to. That was a tough concept to grasp, and one that I guess after last night did not sink into my head yet…(sigh) The point of this whole post, for me is, you have to love yourself before anyone can love you. And that means creating your own opportunities and believing that at the end of the day, your life may not be as complete as it will be in the future, but for now it’s all good. It’s all good. Repeating it like a mantra may bring the concept to life. haha Sometimes I wonder if I am creating the right opportunities. Who knows? I know I can’t go around spending my life thinking about the what ifs. I’ve been moved past that stage for a while now and it’s most certainly too late to go back. So for now, I will keep writing and dreaming, playing and believing and know that someday, somehow I will keep remembering to look at the colors and forget all the grey.

Growing up occurs in stages. Throughout my life, I have tried to constantly change my perspective on the world and everything and everyone I encountered in it. For the past year though I feel like I didn’t really do a good job of moving away from my comfort zone. Why is this all coming out now? The most simple explaination is that I have moved into my very own grown up apartment. It is off-campus, which means that my roommates and I have had to make our own arrangements for our living. It means I live in a house with about 7 other people. It means I am not near campus and therefore feel as if I could be living anywhere. I love it, but I have to admit it’s scary. I feel extremely independent and…yes, grown up. I’m starting to realize that time for myself is lovely, not lonely. I am running every day, reading, and look at me now..I’m writing! I’ve also had the time to realize that I am ready. Last semester, I was too busy to be with anyone. I barely had the time for myself. But now…I’m not looking, but I’m ready. I feel like screaming I’m here! Pick me! I know that I wasn’t all there before, but here I am! Let me prove myself I like thunderstorms, but I’m afraid of the dark. I hate bugs, but I won’t kill them. I smile when I cry and I laugh at myself. I love school and I really can’t stay up late, even if I try. I’m not looking for anything but what I can get and I promise to be more appreciative then I have ever been before.Sigh. Someday…