Those are some of the books I’m reading in the next two weeks or so….so if you’ve read them, let me know you thought! And if there’s anything you want to discuss, of course I am completely open.

“Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on

I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don’t know why, I don’t know why

1-So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
‘Cause it’s the world I know
It’s the world I know”

Are we listening?
To hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see?
Love that’s gathering?

All the words that I’ve been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one, into one

-Collective Soul, ‘World I Know’

There is something about the glow of a person’s face when they are around someone or something they love. This ‘glow’ (for lack of a better word) is, I think, the closest we as human beings can come to understanding just how wonderful (again, lack of a better word) love is. The start of the summer always makes me think of love because so many things I love I only get to experience in the sweetness of summer. Some of my loves include thunderstorms, the smell of rain, sunsets, parks, milkshakes, stars, laying out, beach towels, sunglasses, dresses, flip flops, barefeet, painted toenails, and the sound of the ice cream truck as it rolls down my street. Summer for me is the ultimate expression of freedom. If freedom was contained in a single season, summer is that season. Independence Day is July 4th…but there is something about getting out of school or even work early and still have the sky be a brilliant blue.

As of this point in my life, i’m in love with many things and people. i love anything eco-friendly. i love the colors green, purple, and blue. i love the ocean, where i’ll be going for a week this summer. these things keep me strong and believing that someday, i’ll find someone who loves similar things. lately, I’ve been on a huge soulmate thing. I don’t know if that’s because of the books I’ve been reading, or the free time I have now that classes aren’t in session….but something about this season makes me want to experience it with someone i really care about. there’s absolutely nothing better than dancing in the rain

so, enough with all this mumbo-jumbo about me. (what is it with me and rhyming words….amorous/glamorous and mumbo/jumbo??) I am really looking to make two points with this post. The first? Being in love makes people glow. More so than any amount of money could ever do. That’s why it just pays to be happy….no matter what it takes for you to be happy, you should do it. Find a passion. Do what makes you feel alive.

The second point I’d like to make with this post is: Travel to a foreign country is sooo important. I am a huge believer in the power humans have to connect with each other. It is so pertinant to society that we make connections with other cultures and realize how unique and beautiful everyone is. The picture I chose to include in this post I found on National Geographic’s website. It was taken in Rome…a beautiful, romantic city. As I mentioned in the caption, whenever I see pictures like this, I yearn to board a plane and fly to a foreign city, if only to get kissed like that. That is love. And it’s real life (not that an upside down kiss…from spiderman isn’t). Pictures like that create romantic images of foreign cities and people for me. And I believe these cities/people are romantic, but I also know that romance exists right here. I think sometimes I, and people in general quite possibly, get fascinated with foreign destinations because they are foreign. Unknown. It’s always easier to think that if you were somewhere else, your life would be more exciting and romantic. But I don’t think that’s the case. Your life is what you make it. Here or in Rome or wherever you are at this given point in your life. This doesn’t stop me from wanting to travel though. I am planning on seeing one of my best friends in Italy when she travels there in the spring. Two of my other best friends are traveling this year too…and what a good time to go! Truthfully, I’m jealous.

Amor. Love. Love yourself. Friends. Family. Boyfriends/girlfriends. Passions. Seasons. There is so much in this world to love.

Sometimes life’s little adventures are about the journey you take to get somewhere. But sometimes, they are all about the destination, the place of serenity and hope, where you end up after a tumultous 8 months of more emotion and feeling than you would have ever thought. As a wise person once told me, one that I am so proud to consider one of my great friends, God does not give you the people you want in your life, he gives you the people that will shape you into the person you want to be. (That isn’t exactly right, so don’t quote me.)
In my case, the destination is not where I thought it would be at first, but a place where I now feel the most comfortable. I can honestly say this is a completely new place for me, but it is so welcoming and familiar and wonderful that I can testify I am more than thrilled to be here.
This whole sophomore year of college thing passed in a blissful mess of meetings, classes, almost all-nighters, movies, walks, dancing, pizza, and more memories with more wonderful people than I could have hoped for. It’s hard for me now to consider myself a junior, because that means I am one step closer to becoming a ‘big kid’ and having to make some decisions about my life. I have to admit though that I am welcoming my newfound freedom of choice. I am excited to be a teacher and finally explore the world outside of Pennsylvania. I know other places exist, I’m just sure of it! And I have all these wild, crazy plans that I know will come true in one form or another. It’s just weird for me to think that college is halfway over….more on that later.
I’d like to leave all of my readers…maybe there are 4 of you?! with some of my thoughts. I would say ‘words of wisdom’, but that is too cliche and not even remotely true. In this past year, I have learned to trust my own instincts and follow my own heart. I have learned that you really can’t please everyone and life is all about having fun. If people love you, they will come back to you, even if it’s not in the way you want/expect. You can’t control how other people feel about you. You can only control how you feel about yourself and your environment. If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen. Sure, the people that care most about you will pick up the pieces of you when you fall, but ultimately that responsibility lies on you. It’s scary, but it’s truth and life and beauty and all those wonderful abstract concepts we try so hard to physically define. Life is a learning experience, a wild, crazy ride on a spinning top or a bouncy ball, or on the wings of a butterfly. My life is anyways. Because I want it to be. I want my life to be sunshine and rainbows and made up of a ton of itsy bitsy pieces of everything that is me. And you know what, after a year of wrestling with this idea, I LOVE ME. I’ll admit that I do still care if other people do too, but I know that I do love myself. Jewel’s new song has inspired me in all of this. She says, ‘I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else and believe in me, even though some can’t see the stronger woman in me.’ I am strong and I want to be where I’m at (and for those that know me, everywhere else too). I want to be a writer and some day that is going to happen to me.
Thanks for everything you guys have helped me with. It’s really more than I could ever, ever say.

The healing process is just that, a process. You can’t just wake up one day and tell yourself, ‘I am going to be a whole person today’ and then be that seemingly whole person. Things just don’t work like that. Healing takes time, patience, and a lot of extra caffeine. It takes will power to pick up your phone and stay connected to the people you care about and who care about you. Healing is tough but it is a part of life; it is a part of a climb.

Throughout my healing process, I stumbled upon a spiritual memoir entitled, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. It’s truly inspiring, especially for me, at this point in my life. ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ or EPL as I will affectionately refer to it from now on, is becoming one of my favorite books. (For those of you who know me, I know I say this about a lot of books, but in this case, I think it will be a permanent one). So go pick yourself up a copy…but not right now of course. Please read the rest of my blog and get a taste of what’s in store for you.

The first part of the healing process is the pleasure part. For me, this has always been a bit of my weakness. I find it hard to engage in activities I find truly enjoyable because either I have too many committments, or I don’t speak up, or I just don’t pay attention to the things my soul tells me I need to be doing. At all. However, during spring break, I took the opportunity to read outside, watch hours of grey’s anatomy with my sister, and drink coffee. These are all things that I can almost never do at school, but when I was at home, I found the time to do them. Gilbert mentions this in her book. She admits to the fact that Americans in general do not know much about pleasure. Really, we just can’t relax. And at least for me, this is true. I can’t relax sometimes. I worry about all the little things going on in my life and I stress about the fact I only have one life to live. But I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to live my one life worrying about the future. I need to do what makes me happy and I need to make time for that in my life. I mean, I know I will have a job and a family and will have to sacrifice some for the people and things I love, but I don’t plan on sacrificing my existence for anyone, unless that person is God (and he’s not even really a person). And now that I don’t have a significant other, I don’t have anyone else to worry about. I mean, now I can ask the questions Gilbert mentions in her book. ‘What do I want to do today?’ Notice I didn’t ask what should I do today but I asked what I wanted. In the hustle of a busy day, I need to learn to find spare moments where I can be me and be happy about my life. And this is where I started questioning who I was as a person. Who am I? Truly, I’m a confused individual right now. An individual that needs good friends and good food and some serious prayer time. That’s it. My favorite part of opening up myself to myself is that I am okay with being confused and if some people don’t like it, that’s too bad. I can’t please every single person in my life. And I can’t change how I feel.

And now, back to this amazing book. EPL is inspiring on so many levels. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but I am anticipating an end that jumpstarts me into a new chapter of my life. Throughout the past weeks and even months, I have learned much about myself. The most important thing I’ve learned-is that I can learn; I can perserve. I can mess up, fall down and practically break, or I can be at the complete top of game, but through it all, I am the same person. I am me. It’s that simple. I will come through all the break-ups and the stormy weather because I have a strong foundation. As long as I stay true to that foundation, I know that nothing can go wrong.

And to all my readers (the few and far between)-if you have any suggestions or stories of your own, please feel free to leave a comment. I’d love hearing from you

So I’m climbing. Right now, my life is steep but I think it will be downhill soon.

Instead of studying for my Mass Media midterm, I am writing. SO WHAT? If you read my last blog, you know that I’m not so perfect alll the time and really, I’m not perfect at all.

My topic of choice today is horoscopes….in my project to find out more about myself, I am starting with looking to the stars. (No laughing)

My horoscope, thanks to the 17 Magazine Website:

Your Best Color: Yellow
Your Sign Sister: Charlize Theron
Your Best Friend: Equally brave Aries
Your Perfect Match: Cool, yet appreciative, Aquarius

A natural leader, you always seem to be headed in the right direction (and get people psyched to follow you there)! Your confidence and dramatic talents set you apart from the crowd. When you indulge in your love of performing, some people may think you’re showing off. If they take the time to get to know you, they’ll find out that what you really want–to help them bring out the best of their talents and abilities.

Your strengths: Politics and entertainment are two career paths you should explore. You also have an interest in fashion and beauty. With your enthusiasm, you’d enjoy make a successful teacher, publicist, or personal coach.

Your relationships: Your loyalty is legendary, but you don’t award your devotion unless it’s well deserved. Those who are lucky enough to have you as a friend or girlfriend realize that as long as they keep telling you how well you do and how good you look, you’ll smother them in affection.

Okay, well I do think this describes me pretty well. Any comments/suggestions, I’m completely open.

I sincerely promise the next blog will be about something more general. For now though, you are just gonna have to deal with learning more about me.

Never in my life have I had to go through a harder situation than I am going through now. I hurt someone more than I thought was possible, probably more than one person too. I did it. I am a cheater and this is my therapy. Welcome to my sucky life. Sure, I try to be an optomist. But don’t hate me for being a real person too. I am a horrible person sometimes. Why? There is a multitude of reasons that I’m not going to be okay with so I’m not going to list them now. A 4.0, a valedictorian, a University Ambassador, ritual chair of Alpha Gamma Delta, President of Phi Eta Sigma, Secretary of the Honors Program, scholarship winner, Writing Center Consultant, published writer…..that is all miniscule compared to the people in your life. I’m done burning bridges for people that don’t care. I’m done trying to pretend like my life is perfect or even anywhere close. I’m allowed to cry if I want to. I’m allowed to not be friendly all the time and I know the people that truly care about me will always be there, in some way, if I need them. I’ll be the first to admit I need people in my life, but I’m not going let anyone think I need attention. I don’t use people, even though I know that it feels like to be used. I pray that God just lets him know I’m sorry. That will never be enough, but it’s something. I’m going to be a better person the next time he sees me. I’m going to be a whole and complete me. I’m going to be the me that I have kept hidden from a lot of the world a lot of the time because it’s okay to not be happy all the time. I will not let life pass me by though. I am making a vow, as I have always made it, that I will do what makes me happy and live my life to the complete fullest. Moving on this time will be equally hard because I know that I ended it, I did the damage. I can’t play the wounded card. I can’t pretend that it’s not my fault. But it’s time to grow up. I am a sophomore, almost 20 years old. It’s time for me to love myself. Waayyy past time. And when I do, fully and completely, I will find someone that loves me just the same, that will walk by my side, not in front or behind. I’ve now had two real loves in my life and that is something that people go their entire lives without realizing. I will not pass up an opportunity like that again and when I feel it, everyone is going to know. I wish the timing with both guys would have been different, but God plans your life for you and well I just had to adapt to mine. But I know that there is someone out there for me, that will accept me faults and all, and I will love him back, with my entire heart and soul and we will go to church together, and read together, and travel and make friends, and have fun. Do everything that WE want to do, because we will both want to do everything. i’m not going to settle for second best, when I’m ready to have another relationship. Until then, I need all the friends I can get, but there is a line that no one will cross right now. And you know what, I know the right person will wait for me, for as long as I need to be waited for. There will be no rushing, but, if for some miracle, you (my guy) are reading this right now, I want you to know that I care about you more than you will ever know and I have waited my entire life for you, for the person you are when you get out of the shower, for the person you are when you’re laughing so hard you cry or so angry all you can do is shake your head and give me a hug so that I lose myself in your arms. Know that I have made my mistakes, but that I’m stronger because of it. KNow that I sometimes feel alone, but I have God and I know that I never am. Know that you are my world and my partner, my best friend and my complete savior. You are my soul mate and when I am supposed to find you, I will. I will not expect anything from you, nor you from me. We will work through the rough spots of life together, riding the ways, standing on surf boards, appreciating each other, life, and the person that put us on this planet, destined to find each other. And if you happen to either 1. hate me right now 2. be with someone else, take your time, I’m not ready for this yet. But some day, I will be more mature, more ready, and more open to everything you can offer. And you know what, I will trust you so much I will be willing to give my entire self away-for you. When I can do that, I will know you are the one and my only hope is that you will feel the same way.

God, Grant me the serentity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.

Ah, serenity. I can’t seem to find any these days, but I think that is what God intended. He intended for me to become a little lost so I could pick myself up and continue on the path he wants me to follow. God has a plan and I’m in it. That makes me smile, knowing that I am a part of someone’s plan. And not just anyone, but someone that knows and appreciates me in a way that no one else is ever going to be able to do. So, thanks God.

If religion scares you, that’s a good thing. I don’t remember having mentioned my beliefs in God throughout my entire blog, so i figured today was a great time to start. I believe in God, the Father Almighty, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. I believe that his son Jesus died to save me, even though I am a sinner. That is why every day, I strive to do a little good for someone, in the hopes that I am doing what Jesus and the Father and the Holy Spirit put me on this earth to do.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. (sorry for the cliche) I’m not sure where I’m headed; I’m looking at an open road before me and I don’t know how fast to go or what little side street to turn off at. Thanks to some loyal supporters, I know I’m going to make it to wherever I’m headed, but that doesn’t really make the actual journey that much easier. That being said, expect the next few blogs to be somewhat chaotic; don’t panic-because I’m not. Eventually, I hope to turn into a much better writer and person through all of this and I guess that makes everything worth it.

I’ve picked up a new passion recently. Environmental Issues. I’m not a tree hugger, by any means, but for a lack of better terms, I just hate stupidity. I despise wasted resources that might end up causing the death of a few million species in a matter of generations. So RECYCLE! Seriously. It’s not gonna kill you to be a little more conscious of your wasting habits. And it’ll even save you money…though not on your car insurance.

My other recently developed passion is Grey’s Anatomy. I could watch that show for days. In fact, I did watch it for almost entire day one time…haha If you don’t watch it, you should. The only negative result of me watching it is that it makes me want to become a surgeon, which I couldn’t handle, but I think it would be amazing.

I’m now taking the time to apologize for the lack of coherent thought found in this post. On the bright side, I’m going to start writing every day, so keep checking back if 1. you like what you read 2. you care about my life 3. you’re just plain bored and the bumper sticker application on facebook isn’t working (again)

A New York Times Bestseller, ‘The History of Love’ is a masterpiece, from what I have read of it. It’s creater extraordinar is Nicole Krauss. You might remember her from ‘Man Walks Into a Room’, her first published piece (I believe, but please correct me if I am mistaken). ‘The History of Love’ has been translated into more than 25 languages and I can see why. Here are a few of my favorite quotes…

“I used to let the door slam in people’s faces. I farted where I wanted to fart. I accused cashiers of cheating me out of a penny, while holding the penny in my hand. And then one day I realized I was on my way to becoming the sort of schmuck that poisons pigeons.” -18

“And though you were grown up by then, you felt as lost as a child. And though your pride was broken, you felt as vast as your love for her. She was gone, and all that was left was the space where you had grown around her, like a tree that grows around a fence. For a long time, it remained hollow. Years, maybe. And when at last it was filled again, you knew that the new love you felt for a woman would have been impossible without Alma. If it weren’t for her, there never would have been an empty space, or the need to fill it.” -57

“Bruno.”
“yes?”
“Isn’t it good to be alive?”
“no thank you, i don’t want to buy anything.”
“I’m not trying to sell you anything! It’s Leo. I was sitting here drinking a coffee in Starbucks and suddenly it hit me.”
“Who hit you?” -76/77

“When your pants are down around your ankles that’s when everyone arrives, never a moment before when you might have been in a position to receive them.” -86

There are many more good quotes to be found in this book and I highly recommend reading it.

As for the whole my life is uninspired part, it really is. Aside from the unusual warm weather, which brought about this post, I have felt pretty empty. Hopefully getting back to Erie will get me back to feeling productive.

Happy 2008! A new year full of new beginnings and resolutions and wonderful dreams like that. In 2008 I hope to accomplish a whole heck of a lot, so I’ll share just some of my aspirations with you now:

I, Stephanie Martinez, vow to have a good 2008 and will try to:

-Read and write more for enjoyment.
-Try something new and follow through with it
-Get my life back in order
-Make it to the gym (10 lbs!)
-Start on a creative project
-Stop caring what people think
-Exercise my voice

I think that’s a pretty good list so far. 2008 has started off well. I’ve taken chances and I’ll continue to take them. I’m not so sure how my life will go from here, but in all honesty, who ever knows? In 2008, I’m going to take life as it comes and stop so much from planning for the future, but live in the moment.

With all that empowering crap out of the way, I can honestly say that I don’t have anything else to really write about. I’ve had an unispiring, lazy day and that’s fine with me. So stop reading and go dance or something.

A fitting title for this post would be breaks. Up until this point in my ’semi-adult’ life, I have been exposed to a multitude of breaks. Breaks that cause crevices in the ground so deep that entire lives change because of them. And now, I am on a break. A break from living my own life, a break from the good ol’ Gannon University, a place in Erie where I have established a life of my own. Now, here in Pittsburgh, a city I love so dearly, I live in a past life. When I come home after a month or so away, I always feel as if I never come back the same person I was before I left. Going home rejuvinates (sp?) me, and being at Gannon stretches me as a person. So when I come home, I always get that feeling of relaxation. Being home gives me time to think. About my future, about my life, my goals, my purpose, my passions. It’s not easy, thinking about all this deep stuff, but it comes with my territory. I think it’s in my nature, something about me always wants to pry off the surface of any event, or person for that matter, and fish for the deeper meaning underneath.

In any event, I’m reading a great young adult book now, called the Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini. I love this story. It’s made me cry once already and I’m not even halfway through yet. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to read a story about another culture. It’s brilliant really.

So far, on this break, I have seen almost all of my best friends, some family members, and did a lot of thinking. I can’t complain. In the days to come, there will be get togethers, a concert or two, long hours spent at American Eagle, and hopefully some writing here and there. And oh yes, some thinking. I have a funny feeling that next time I come home from break, I really will be slightly different. I know that when I return to Gannon, my life will not be the same as when I left it. What with Carrie gone and everything else, nothing will be the same, and that is okay with me. Really, it’s okay.

I needed this break more than I needed any of the others I’ve had so far. I’m just hoping that I’m not going to be the one breaking apart this time.

Oh, and if you have a secret that is threatening to burst from you, you can post it at postsecret.com. It’s a great little site, started as a community art project in the form of a blog just like this one. Check it out.