January 5, 2010
Do you ever get that feeling that you are holding out for something better, but you don’t have a clear idea of what that something better is? Like you know that life happens for a reason, but those reasons aren’t always clear…sometimes life moves in circles, but most of the time it just keeps heading forward, far away from all the lost years and dead romances, and into the virgin soil of the unknown. Thinking about how quickly that new soil can turn dry and tarnished with age and overuse is enough to make anyone sob, well, me at least. In light of recent events, I can’t help but think about second chances and such. Who deserves one? And why, would anyone give anyone another chance at the most precious object they hold dear? The heart. The human heart is more than the blood-pumping, four-chambered organ the doctors in real life and on Grey’s Anatomy operate on and restore function to everyday (or every episode). The human heart does often need to be repaired though, and sometimes that repair comes in the form of words and gestures, not incisions and speculation. (okay, I don’t think that is the right word). What happens when what you are holding out for is something you once had? Or when you have begun to realize that what you once had was not what you wanted when you had it? Sure, that’s a mouthfull. But it makes me think that two people can be right for each other, but just not meet at the right time, and that could throw a whole potential away, propel that radient future into the gross soil already trampled on. When two people do meet at the right time, and they are each other’s somebody, that can be difficult for those who haven’t found their somebody to handle. I can’t believe, therefore, that everyone only has one chance to meet their somebody. Whether that somebody is someone they knew once or know now and not realize it, or even never met, the rhythm of life I think takes into account the stops and the starts the travelers on the path make. And even though life does not ever turn out the way it is supposed to be, who knows how “it’s supposed to be.” How is it “supposed to be” for anyone? I think the closest anyone can come to knowing how life is supposed to be is when a person can think to herself, hmm…I like him MORE THAN temporarily. And if that happens, that feeling emerges from the depths of even the most haunted human soul, that soul would be wise to listen, no matter if the feelings were towards someone they would have to back track to get to. Roadtrips are most fun when they are spontaneous and sometimes one never realizes she has hit a dead end until she has to turn around to pick up a piece of herself she’s been missing.
peace.
December 22, 2009
Hopefully by the time I turn 22, I will have a job. yeahhhhh
Hello cyberspace. It is your old friend Steph calling. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything…some could argue it has been forever since I’ve posted anything remotely worthwhile. But. I’ve started to figure out that I have committment problems. I should have figured that out a lot earlier. I really don’t know where they started, or why, and I am not a psychologist, like one of my darling roommates is going to become, so I am not going to try to analyze my life. Instead, I merely wish to give an account of why and how I know this. My status, for those facebook users out there, is that I am single, which indicates my committment issues reveal themselves in my romantic life. However, more importantly, they reveal themselves in my career choice. When I say “choice”, I really mean the lack thereof. I cannot decide what I want to be when I grow up, if I ever grow up. For the past few weeks, I have seen friend after friend take the plunge, but I cannot even dip more than a big toe in the water of life after graduation. Instead, I have walked all the way around the pool, talked to people in the pool, played games outside the pool…anything and everything to keep myself from diving in. My career choices at the moment include teacher, speech-language pathologist, and higher education administrator. They all sound good, right? And they are. But maybe they are not for me. I don’t know. So far, I have decided to try to find a job as a teacher and then go from there. So maybe I can say I have at least moved to sitting with my feet plunged into the water and I’ve wiggled my toes throw the liquidy mess. I guess that is a start.
By the time I am 22, I want to be fully immersed in the water. For better, or for worse. At least once I am in, I can always swim to new places, but while on the side, I’ll never experience anything more than I have already.
November 24, 2009
Where Do I Go From Here?
Of course I am publishing my mental crisis in cyber space. Of course. As a 21-year-old about-to-be college graduate, I do not know what to do with the next phase of my life. All I know is I want to help people, I want to write, and I want to see places and people. I love working with others, discussing everything…I love being involved in projects and getting things done. What does all that mean?
I’ve been trying to find inspiration through yoga and a favorite person of mine, Elizabeth Gilbert. Instead of getting into an MFA program in creative writing, she traveled the country and wrote. She devoted herself to writing and learning about people…is that what I should do?
I know I need to find my own path. I know not every job will be perfect, I know that a job isn’t everything. But it’s something. And it’s something I want. I know I’m not looking for my life’s calling. I think it will be revealed to me through my experiences. Throughout my life, all I’ve done is do what I like and take advantage of my opportunities. Those strategies have gotten me to where I am. All I’m saying is that I have never been one to outright declare anything because I love everything. And that is a problem. I’ve never realized that so much before this semester. I’m practically out of my mind with worry about what I will do six months from now. Hoepfully some opportunity comes my way. I just don’t want to have to wait around for it….
September 24, 2009
Gotta Find Me Somebody to Lean On
So there have been a lot of weddings in my atmosphere lately. Or at the very least, a lot of people I know are in solid, committed relationships. And you know what, to be frank, I am a little bit jealous. I would be lying to myself if I pretended otherwise. However, most of the feelings I’ve been having lately are stemmed from the amount of coursework and activities I have found myself engaged in so far this semester. I could really use a personal cheerleader right now. You know, someone to tell me everything I’m doing is absolutely perfect. The more I think about that though, the more I know that being told you are doing everything right is a lie. No person can possibly do everything right. That’s a fact of life. And if I did have a personal cheerleader right now, I would proably be less motivated to get all the work that I have to finish completed. And in any case, relationships are not all about personal cheerleaders. I read a spotlight in my school’s newspaper today on someone who is married. This young woman is only a year older than myself and she found her husband in England….sigh….
Her article described her perfect romance…with a twist. Yes, she did meet the man she loved in England. Yes, she wrote of her situation something to the extent of “we were crazy about each other and inseperatable from the day we met. (Of course I want something like that to happen to me). However, what she also mentioned, and was in fact the entire point of her article, married life is not all that much different from the dating life. Couples still go through all the ups and downs, regardless if vows have been involved or not. Relationships are challenging. They involve a whole lot more than personal cheerleaders if they are ever going to work in the “real world”.
So, it is not okay to date someone for convience. It’s not okay to settle for only being happy on certain days. It’s not okay to be constantly selfish and never give someone the kindness and respect they deserve. It is okay though to be patient with people and realize that everyone needs a personal cheerleader.
And just because that is what I need right now does not mean I need to be in a relationship. I shouldn’t be in one, for the very reasons I described in the paragraphs above. Now, I still have this dream of living in Europe and meeting the man of my dreams, and maybe he is over there somewhere, but I have to concentrate on making my own dreams come true and then “our” dreams will fall into place.
I’m still hoping for that sunset/movie night, whenever he comes my way…
September 21, 2009
She Only Drinks Coffee at Midnight
When the moment is not right, and the timing unusual, that’s when I usually experience my revelations. Take today’s for example. Picture night in the city, quiet (because it’s erie). A night whose aroma and atmosphere hint at fall, but whose temperature is reminisent of spring..aka the perfect evening. You, sitting at a stoplight, the light turns that jungle green and you push your car forward, straight ahead, and you see a moment, someone else’s, displayed like a silent film through your passenger side window. Even though it’s not your moment, in a way, you have intruded, forced your way into it. And you learn something. About yourself. It’s funny that people change, that our lives spin out of control at times and at others, seem to be going nowhere. For me, it’s always easier to see other people’s lives moving, as a series of fast-paced moments that give way to goals being achieved. It’s hard for me to see my own life as more than moments, more than a series of events (some most unfortunate). However, I like to keep things in perspective and seeing other people’s moments reminds me of my own and how my own life somehow parallels even the most bizarre times. For everyone having a nice moment right now, enjoy it. Someone else could be getting something from that too.
And I guess that if you think I’m stealing that moment, I have probably just confessed. 🙂
P.S. I love surprises.
August 26, 2009
It’s approximately 12:55 am. and I’m writing. I see this as a very good sign. Maybe I am becoming more disciplined? but then again, maybe not. my thoughts of the night are revolving around an upcoming semester. I am a big bad senior now, and that title comes with it’s fair share of expectations. Granted, most of which I have put on myself. With all that said, I’ve decided to not let me come in the way of doing what I want to do. Believe me, that has happened more than once.
Guess what I did tonight? I water colored. (is that even a verb?) It was just what I needed to stop myself from thinking of depressing thoughts…such as how I am a single individual with no real direction. I was surprised at how much i was able to lose myself in the pastel colors that seeped into the stolen computer paper. (ha) there was something about the way the colors were so confidently filling the paper so that no white could be seen. Now i see very clearly why painting is considered therapy. All those art therapy majors…you are awesome!
blah. well, i suppose i should get some sleep before my 8, yes 8, hours of class tomorrow. good thing i love learning 🙂
peace.
August 20, 2009
Sweating out the heat in Erie
wow, it has been a while since i’ve posted anything here. i wish that i could say this means i’ve been writing in some homemade journal that i keep under my bed, but it doesn’t. i don’t know why i need to send my entries out over the web, but it somehow keeps me motivated. and as long as i’m writing, i really don’t care about the how or the why it happens.
a quick update on my life: being back to school has been pretty much the best time of my life. i think living in my own place forces me to think about my own life a little bit more. yesterday, i hung up curtains and two days ago, i cleaned my room from top to bottom. (if you know me, you know that is probably one of the few times that has ever happened!) i have no idea where all the domesticated ambition came from, but it happened and maybe now it will happen more often. alright, that’s a bit of a stretch 🙂
i’m happy to be joining this wonderful writing community again, even if only one person or five people ever stumbles upon this blog. next time, i will have a greater contribution to make, but for now, i’m content with just being able to get some words out onto the page.
peace.
April 8, 2009
The Last Lecture Quotes
I borrowed “The Last Lecture” from a friend who wants it back…so here I’m posting a few of my favorite quotes which will be food for thought later.
Fakes: occur when people don’t realize they are learning until well into the process.
“But I was hugely impressed. Kirk, I mean, Shatner, was the ultimate example of a man who knew what he didn’t know, was perfectly willing to admit it, and didn’t want to leave until he understood.”
“…the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”
ENABLE THE DREAMS OF OTHERS.
“Too many people go through life complaining about their problems.. I’ve always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out.”
“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
March 24, 2009
The Repotroire of Human Emotions
Right at this moment, I’m in love with two songs-‘In your eyes’ done by Sara Bareilles and Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. I don’t know why…well, maybe I do. ‘In your eyes’ is about hope. The hope that comes only from knowing you have given it all. She sings about finding that, in someone’s eyes, you can get lost. You can find yourself. Time moves so slowly as more and more of your soul gets pulled in. And after that first look, it’s done. You are forever trapped in those irises. You leave all the noise, all your pride, and reach for that light, that heat. Those eyes hold all the answers to the questions you’ve been searching for. Those eyes are the windows to the soul that matches yours. The speaker sings about not liking to see all the pain, see so much wasted. And that’s how I feel right now. I see that I cause pain, that there is love wasted, and not returned and people upset. And the worst part is that I can’t do anything, because I can’t relate. Any feelings I have, anything that makes me feel complete, I am not finding in the right places, if at all. Wouldn’t it be nice if all the puzzle pieces could fit together? And yes, I know that day will come but as Sara sings….I get so lost sometimes. Not only in a person’s eyes, but in that search for something I have yet to find.
(Sorry if all this is just rambling…I’m writing this as these songs are playing)
Listen to Jai Ho please! It is an amazing song….
there is hope in life. and after hope, there is suspense….you’re working really hard for something and now all you can do is wait for the response. when things have worked, there is happiness. this song is about all the happiness, is about living in the moment and shaking it till there’s no tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what the problems were, they are all gone now. In this movie, it took these two childhood friends years to be together. This song tells me that life is what it is. It’s life. and we live it. To the best we can. And soemtimes, we fight. Sometimes, we get tempted. Sometimes, we get inspired. Sometimes, we think we’ve found what we’ve been looking for and we’re wrong. But every once in a while, the best thing that could have happened-well, it happens. And then there is nothing more to do but celebrate. Embrace the energy and the change and everything that makes up this weird thing called life. Maybe we all don’t have what we really want right now, but we all have things that we are glad we have. and those are the things to be thankful for…the appreciation and love of friends, the sunshine, the occasional smile from a stranger…
You know, it’s possible that that one look, that one smile, could be the start of a lot of hope.
December 3, 2008
lyin’ here dreaming late in the evening
wow. typing feels amazing…good, yet unfamiliar. i’ve been away for too long. for all my readers, the few and far between, this is going to be a pretty personal entry because i feel as if i have a lot to get off of my chest tonight.
the weather’s turning more blistery. snow is falling in spurts, sometimes it seems as though buckets and buckets of powdery fluff is being poured from heaven onto gray erie in an attempt to transform it into a glittering wonderland. as all this change is happening and a new year approaches, i can’t help but reflect on where my life has taken me in this past year. last year at this time, i think i was more crazy, more frenzied, rushing about and not taking the time to breathe. this year, i feel grounded, ready to leap and soar, but always pausing to watch my tracks disappear with each falling flake.
that’s a new me. i’ve never really experienced this self before. i am very much more reflective and appreciative and full of wonder. i’ve always asked myself about the ‘what if’s’ but i’ve never really considered them before now. i feel as if i have a clean heart and a fresh mind, and am ready to start into something new. but what? maybe i am starting to feel the pressure a little because i am a junior now…and the next time i schedule, i’ll be picking the classes that will fill my senior year of college. how crazy is that? its pretty much unbelievable. i had a conversation with a past professor of mine today, about what i should do with my life after college. i always new it would be a big decision, but i never knew just how big, or when i would really know what i wanted to do. it’s safe to say i have no idea, but i also have plenty of time to decide that. i’m hoping something sparks (if you have any ideas, feel free).
oh, and im ready to be with someone that makes me smile all the time. i read that phrase on a bumper sticker and it certainly fits. i mean, i am not desperately looking for someone, but in my new state of mind, i feel soooo much more grounded than i ever have been. i see this most from my sister. she has been with this one boy for a while now, and everyone can see that they are destined to be together. sometimes i think i know who destiny has picked out for me, and other times i sadly realize that i have no idea. i just hope that person comes into my life soon. i wasn’t ready for someone until now, but i feel that now i can take on the added responsibility and can really and truly open my heart up. i’ve finally healed. 🙂 i can tell that i have because i feel more mature and more grounded. i am still as optomistic as ever, but at the same time, i feel weathered, as though i have seen what life can do (at least somewhat) and am prepared to FINALLY be open to who i am as a person…to someone else. opening up, truly, has always been so hard for me. i can be open about everything, other than what is truly in my heart. but now…if the right person has come along, i know that i could be there. 100%…in a stay up late to confort you, help you study, know your friends, eat your favorite foods, watch your favorite team, constantly texting you kind of way. i have to admit, i’m kinda proud of myself. and you know what, if someone doesn’t come along for a few years, i guess that was meant to be. but i do know that this time, i am ready, that i will be ready. this past year i wasn’t, hence the ‘single’ status now. but…if fate puts someone in my life now, i would come running to answer the door.
i’m proud of myself. i think i’ve come a long way from the bouncing all over the place, hiding true feelings girl to a mature adult, one with thoughts and dreams and aspirations…who knows what love feels like, but is ready for a deep love, one that doesn’t die and doesn’t ever fade, no matter what the circumstances.
oh and on a completely different note, i am the undergraduate judge for the Totem this year…so apparently i have definitely developed from where i was last year…this journey just keeps on going
Wondering Eyes Forever Gleaming 